THE LOST EPISODES

-- STAR TREK --

THE LOST EPSODES

TRANSCRIPT
' as printed in AMIGA REVIEW august 1994 - volume 11, no 8'
(retyped as printed plus underline)

We plucked this from the internet comp.sys.amiga.misc area, where it was posted by supp@ridgefield.sdr.slb.com (Michael Supp), who had got from jrd@roddenberry.ebt.com (John R Durand).
It's an extention of an old funny line that I shan't tell you, because it spoils the joke.
If you don't watch Star Trek - The Next Generation, you won't get it.
But if you don't watch Trek, not getting htis joke must be the least of your problems.

Picard "Mr LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? and Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"

Geordi "Yes Captain. in fact we found the answer by searching through our archives on late twentieth century computing technology."

Geordi presses a key and a logo appears on the computer screen.

Riker looks puzzled. "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"

Data turns to answer. "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called "Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."

Picard "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"

Data "Yes Captain. But when 'Windows" detects this, it creats a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade". the use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adaptquickly enough. Eventially all their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."

Picard "Excellent work. This is even better than that unsolvable geometric shape idea."

...15 minutes later...

Data " Captain, we have successfully installed 'Windows" in the Gorg's command unit. As expected, it imediately consumed 85% of all available resources. However, we have not received any confimation of the expected 'upgrade'."

Geordi "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for the increase."

Picard "Data, scan the history banks again and determaine if there is something we have missed."

Data "Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards."

Riker "Captain, we have no choice. Request permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F-"

Geordi, excited "Wait Captain! Their CPU capacity has sudenlydropped to zero!"

Picard "Data, what do your scanners show?"

Data, studying displays "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire', and it has used up all available CPU capacity."

Picard "Let's wait and see how long this 'Solitaire' can reduce their functionality."

two hours pass

Riker "Geordi, what is the status of the Borg?"

Geordi " As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but time they successfully increase resources, I have setup our deep space minitor beacon to transmit more 'Windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft Fun Pack".

Picard "How much time will that buy us?"

Data "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."

Geordi "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

Picard "Identify.'

Data "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft'logo..."

Over the speakers "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP 'MONOPOLY'. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDERALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS TO COMPLY."

Data "The alien ship has just opened it's forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid-shaped objects."

Picard "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft."

Riker "My god, Captain! Those are human beings floating straight toward the Borg ship - with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?!"

Data "I don't believe that those are human beings, sir. If you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doeskin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits."

Riker and Picard, together- horrified "LAWYERS!"

Geordi "It can't be. All the lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the great awakening."

Data "True, but appearently some must have survived.'

Riker "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers.'

Data "I believe that is known in ancient venacular as 'red tape'. It often proves fatal."

Riker "They're tearing the Borg to pieces!"

Picard "Turn the monitors off, Data, I can't bear to watch. Even the Borg doesn't deserve such a gruesome death!"